It's gross it's itchy WHAT THE HEKK IS IT!
by BondSlave
Summary: After a short visit to Banora Sephiroth returns not quite himself, and with a rather personal and embarrassing problem. How can this rather proud teenager get the answers he is seeking? Me making fun of Sephy's naivete Please read and Review.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of this!**

**A/n: Ok, well I got a laptop from my teacher to use for the school year—and decided to give its word processor a whirl. I've never used this type of word processor before so I think this is a justified test run. ^^**

CHAPTER #001

He was a man who would have made Dr. Frankenstein proud...or make him look like an idiotic simpleton. He was vile, cruel and could care less about the rules of medicine. The teenager often wondered if said man could even be considered a doctor…or professor at that matter. Had he actually gone to medical school? Let alone did he actually have enough education to be considered a professor? These questions often plagued the young teenager who feared his time, though sparse as they were, time alone with said doctor…professor…whatever.

These questions plagued fifteen-year-old Sephiroth (no last name) as he stood in the lavatory, palms resting on the edge of the chrome counter top, knuckles a milk white as he gripped the counter top so tightly it creaked under the strain. He was gazing at himself in the long mirror that spanned the large counter top.

*

His stance was stiff, back curved in a rather uncharacteristic slouch, long strands of silver hair cascading over his shoulders the tips just brushing the counter top. His face was pale and his thin lips were parted slightly in a pit of a panicked pant.

*

Sephiroth let out a slight irritated groan before raising his fingers to his head and ran the tips of his rounded nails over his scalp. He hated the unbearable sensation that was attacking his scalp. He'd never had issues with his scalp or hair before—he was very proud of his hygiene and liked keeping his hair clean at all times. He was probably the first to take showers after training or labs and the last one to leave. He vaguely wondered how this obsessive behavior began, after all he also prided himself on not really obsessing over anything like his friend Genesis. He snarled grinding his teeth together, quickly spinning away from the mirror and leaning his lean slightly arched frame against the chrome counter, which now had slight finger indentations from where he had gripped it so tightly.

_//I can't believe this…what's going on with me? Did I not get all of the shampoo out of my hair? Hmn.\\ _He unconsciously ran his fingers through his hair again. _//Or did I get something in my hair at my last lab? Oh great that could be bad for my health…damn it what is it!\\ _ He snarled to himself before deciding he'd just wash whatever it was out of his hair.

*

So he stripped out of his clothes, which he left on the counter, before locking the door, and jumping into one of the many showers, closing the dark colored curtain that he had insisted be installed. He smirked, it had been very entertaining watching the presidents face as the professor explained why the privacy would be good for EVERYONES health.

"_As you know President," Hojo stated, pushing his round glasses up the rather crooked bridge of his nose, glancing back over his shoulder at the teenager leaning against the wall, eyes narrowed at a spot near his shoes, arms crossed over his chest. ", there was recently an accident involving,"_

_The President balked, pointing a fat finger towards the teenager._

"_Your…your experiment!" he snapped, frightened and furious to be in the same room with the teen, who made him rather uneasy. He wasn't quite sure what it was, the long silver hair, the lean but overly strong body, or perhaps his eyes…which were flickering in his direction. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Hojo cleared his throat and continued._

"_Yes well, an accident involving Sephiroth here. Are you aware of exactly what happened?"_

_The president shook his head. He had paid for the damage, and signed several papers the Turks had stuck under his nose but he didn't actually read any of it. "Ah, well as you are aware some members among the group we know as SOLDIER are not exactly interested in reproducing and thus have no use for woman…"_

"_Sexual actions are prohibited within SOLDIER and Shinra ranks!" Sephiroth snapped quietly. Hojo nodded._

"_This is very true President, and let's just says several of your SOLDIER members find my…experiment, very attractive." Hojo stated, slight smirk forming on his lips at the obvious clenching of the teenagers jaw. _

"_Get on with it Hojo! What happened?"_

"_Sephiroth injured two of the first class SOLDIERS and killed a third, who decided to invade his personal space."_

_The President paled. _

Sephiroth smirked at the memory, turning on the hot water before grabbing a bottle of shampoo. He sighed, determined to get whatever it was in his hair OUT.

*

Sephiroth snarled and slouched over the bathroom counter top, fingers entangled in the long strands of his hair. He'd been pulling at it for several minutes and now he had to admit his scalp was rather soar. He let out a whimper standing up straighter and gazing at himself. He felt pathetic; he couldn't even take good enough care for himself. Let alone the fact he didn't know what was wrong with him. He sighed, pushing several strands of silver hair behind his ear. He'd never once asked the professor for help…but now he knew that he'd have to.

*

After several minutes of self preparation Sephiroth found himself standing outside of the deepest section of the lab. Hojo's section. The place the _good _doctor hardly ever left in less it held interested for another experiment.

*

Sephiroth hated the labs, let alone this particular area. For as long as he could remember this area of the lab always frightened him the most, he wasn't sure if it was actually the lab, or if it were the man in charge of it. One thing he was sure, he hated the white tile of the floors, the blah gray of the walls and the annoying hum of the florescent light bulbs hanging above head—let alone the chemical smell.

*

He took a deep breath before pressing the button that would activate the automatic door. He mentally snorted, if it were automatic why did they have to push buttons? Why couldn't the door just OPEN when you walked near it?

*

Upon entering the lab he found it just as cold and uninviting as he had several weeks earlier when he had visited the professor for an early mako treatment so he could leave Shinra for several days and travel to Banora to spend some time with his friends there, Angeal and Genesis. Had he known he would be returning so soon he might have thought longer about his trip to Banora…but he wasn't a mind reader so how could he have known?

"Ah, Sephiroth, what do I owe the pleasure?" Came the sickening nasally voice from across the room. Sephiroth let his eyes wander to the figure clad in a white lab coat, who was hunched over a table. He shivered, how he hated that man. He took several paces into the lab so the door to slide closed behind him—giving him a rather caged feeling.

"I need some help professor."

Hojo slowly turned from his slouched position over the table, sickening smirk plastered on his face, glasses slipping slightly down his crooked nose. His smile widening as he pushed the glasses back into place.

"Oh, is that right?"

Sephiroth felt every fiber of his being begin to scream for him to run, to flee…but he wouldn't, he wouldn't act afraid, he wouldn't act as if he was intimidated by this pathetic excuse for a human being.

"Yes, it seems there is something wrong with me."

Hojo stood up straight…or straighter and approached, clip bored in hand. This move gave Sephiroth a clear shot to see what was on the table, and what he saw sickened him and took away almost all of his nerve. Hojo, having noticed the sudden paleness taking over his prized experiment glanced over his shoulder.

"Oh that, just ignore it. It's a failed experiment anyway." He stated. Sephiroth swallowed before averting his gaze back to the deranged scientists. "Now what is it that you need assistance with?"

"Well. You see professor it is rather personal."

Hojo snorted.

"Sephiroth you should know by now personal matters do not concern me, now if you want help you will simply have to,"

"Ok, yes professor I know. Well, could you check my scalp?"

Hojo cocked and eyebrow. Sephiroth winced at the sudden sensation on his scalp again and rose his fingers to scratch. Hojo motioned for him to sit in a chair, and sit he did. He didn't really like the professor looking at him, but he'd been around the man long enough to know what he liked and didn't like didn't mean a thing to the professor. So, he sat silently while the professors chemically tainted fingers worked their way through his long hair, checking every inch of his scalp. Every so often a 'hmn' or a 'uh ha' would escape the professor, causing the teenager to stiffen slightly. Once he felt the professors fingers leave his scalp he turned in the seat to gaze up at the professor. "Professor?"

Hojo crossed his arms, tabbing his fingers on his elbow.

"Well my boy it seems you have somehow picked up Banora mites." He stated shaking his head and turning towards a wooden desk covered in papers and folders and tubes of all sorts. Sephiroth gaped at him.

"B-Banora Mites? What are those?"

"Banora Mites are tiny, tiny insects that thrive on ones scalp, eating away the dead skin and dead hair particles."

"Are they dangerous?"

Hojo shook his head as he lazily sorted through several files.

"No, they are harmless, gross at the most. They can lay several hundred eggs every day. And by the time the eggs hatch one could be infested with thousands even millions of bugs several centimeters long."

Sephiroth paled.

"I don't want bugs in my hair!" He cried standing up. Hojo turned and looked up at the teenager, only fifteen and the boy was already taller than him.

"You should have listened to me and _not _gone to Banora!" He snapped poking the teenager in the chest. "You probably picked I up from one of your friends, or both! And now because of this everyone in Shinra, let alone anyone who has come and gone will need to be treated and all materials that are cloth will need to be treated."

Sephiroth began feeling guilty, that was one thing the professor was good at, making him feel worthless and guilty.

"How is it treated?" He grumbled lowering his head. He blinked when the professor thrust a small bottle of some potent smelling fluid into his hand. He looked down at the professor who was oftly close to him, holding the bottle to his chest.

"Take a shower my boy." Hojo smirked. "Take a shower."

Sephiroth blinked. _//You've got to be kidding me.\\ _

**^^ yay I finally wrote this out! It actually turned out better than I thought it would! Great for a test run! Might even get credit in school for 'creative writing', if I'm lucky that is. Any ways hope you all enjoyed it. ^^ Please review. **


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